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TriTorch's avatar

Paul my friend, you strike me as a man who could use an uplifiting laugh or ten in these darkening times, so I will stand and deliver:

Chuck Norris Joke Compendium, Laugh Very Very Hard, You Shall

• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he pushes the earth down.

• Someone once asked Chuck Norris how many pushups he could do. "All of them."

• While learning CPR Chuck Norris actually brought the practice dummy to life.

• Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

• Chuck norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund

• Chuck Norris doesn't tell lies. He changes facts.

• Once Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.

• Chuck Norris was shot today The bullet is in critical condition

• Global warming exists. Chuck Norris got cold one day and turned up the sun.

• Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone

• Chuck Norris picked up a missed call.

• When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he saw had two missed calls from Chuck Norris

• Before going to bed, the Boogeyman always checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.

• What every sports player should say after winning? "First of all, I would like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

• A cop once pulled Chuck Norris over...Luckily, the cop left only with a warning.

• Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

• Chuck Norris once counted to infinity - twice.

• Once, Chuck Norris reached the point of no return…. …..and returned.

• Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss... ...and it looked away.

• Afraid of Chuck Norris, the Dark sleeps with a night-light.

• When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.

• Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

• Chuck Norris was petting a tiger. Suddenly the tiger began to utter a soft growl. The trainer said, "get up slowly and back away." So, the tiger did.

• When 911 has an emergency, it calls Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris caught AIDS and the prognosis is not good. Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

• Chuck Norris uses a stunt double ….for crying scenes

• Chuck Norris’ poker face is so good that he once won the 1988 World Series of Poker despite holding a 9 of spades, a Joker, a green Skip card from the game Uno, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card and a 2 of clubs....and he wasn't even competing.

• Chuck Norris once kicked a pregnant horse in the chin ...This is how giraffes were invented

• Chuck Norris doesn’t pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris

• When Chuck Norris was born, The doctor said “Congratulations! You have two healthy parents.”

• The day Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital to the log cabin he built with his own to hands

• Chuck Norris does not have near death experiences , Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.

• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

• Chuck Norris was in a knife fight. The knife lost.

• Chuck Norris hit the longest home run in MLB history...He also caught that ball

• Did you hear about the fight between Chuck Norris and Superman? The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside

• Chick Norris can cut a knife with hot butter.

• Chuck Norris Once Picked an Apple from a Orange Tree. He made lemonade from it.

• Chuck Norris went to court once.The judge turned to him and opened with, "Your Honor, may I speak freely?”

• Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it

• Chuck Norris plays a very important role in star wars. He's the force.

• I fear the day will come when Chuck Norris is no longer with us……that will be the day everyone dies except Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris skipped school two days in a row...Those days are now Saturday and Sunday.

• Chuck Norris once stepped on a crack, it apologized and fixed his mom's back.

• The only game Chuck Norris has ever lost was Russian Roulette. He’s lost a few times, actually.

• If Chuck Norris hadn't existed...Chuck Norris would have invented him.

Do you know why there are so many Chuck Norris jokes, but not many Bruce Lee ones?

Because Bruce Lee is no joke

Primum non nocere's avatar

Go ask the professionals within the medical specialty who actually render the colon cancer diagnosis if they think colon cancer diagnosis is increasing. Hint: Its not the gastroenterologist, radiologist, surgeon or oncologist you need to query.

Spoilet alert: It is indeed increasing and within younger patient populations. Significantly. I know someone who knows someone who is a pathologist who told that someone to tell me it is so. 😎

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