RACHEL MALDONADO's 'No sex relationships' substack is well written, explained, & I felt so very interesting that I wanted to share; I find nuggets in all I read, I may not agree with all, as will you;

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No sex relationships

This is a very complex dynamic, I talk about it in this video No sex relationships

Let me break down the points I made on camera and throw in a few extra for fun, this is the tip of the iceberg. It’s more nuanced and also individualized when it’s your life. But let’s go to basics, a start to this very complicated conversation.

1. It’s both men and women who complain about not having sex in their relationships. It’s a misnomer that women don’t also have this issue. I’ve seen this as the presenting problem for women in both Therapy and my Life Coach.

2. Sometimes the lack of sex can be situational or circumstantial. The new mom with post-partum depression may get the help she needs in therapy, her hormones will balance out and she will want sex again after a hiatus. The man who has prostate cancer, perhaps it’s never the same again, he hopes his wife will stay with him in spite of this new health scenario.

3. Very common that you think you don’t like sex, but it’s really the sex with the person you are with, that you do not like. A woman will claim she’s not sexual or that she hates the sex she has with her husband, but suddenly in a full blown affair, she can’t get enough. A man who’s rejected sexually, may shut down and convince himself it matters less to him. Until he meets a woman who wants him, suddenly he’s sexual again.

4. This is the money tip. Sex starts in the mind. It’s more mental than physical. You engage the mind, the body will follow. There’re many reasons why an individual will shut down sexually. This can include not feeling safe or wanted in the relationship, being on the receiving end of physical or mental abuse, lack of communication and deep intimacy in order to enjoy with your partner.

5. Sexual rejection is very bad. Doesn’t matter if you’re a woman or a man, if you want to love someone and they will not love you physically, this cuts to the core. This can be very difficult to recover from, can wreck your self-esteem and it’s a disaster of epic proportions.

6. It’s a misnomer that sex means nothing to men or that it’s only a physical release for men. I understand that I’m not a man, and I also realize that men can have a physical experience while being less emotionally engaged. But if a man is in love with a woman, he will want to express this, sex is a means to do this. It can mean a lot to him. To reject a man sexually, is to also keep him from loving you fully. Sex in the right context, can mean a lot to a man.

7. You and your partner can have different sex drives, you can still make your relationship work with compromise. But when you reject sex outright in your relationship, you are asking for problems. A romantic relationship has a sexual component. If you take this out, this is no longer your romantic partner.

8. Friendship marriages exist. The couple does not have sex, but they stay together for status, the kids, platonic love. If both want this, if they agree that sex is lower on their priority list, there’s nothing wrong with this set up. But understand the dynamic, you are friends in relationship that’s more roommate than romantic. You can deeply love your partner and have a real life together, but don’t fool yourselves that this is romantic, when it’s not. Without the sexual component, this is friendship. It can be deep and platonic love can be in play, but it’s not romantic.

9. Medical scenarios such as prostate cancer or in some countries where they mutilate women, the sexual desire may not be there. I don’t discount medical situations that happen with age and your body changing, you should consult a doctor to understand medical issues.

10. Differing sex drives are a reality. You need to understand your partner and yourself. Life experiences, circumstances, bias, culture and even age can factor in for how much sex you personally enjoy. Most people have a baseline for what they like. It’s helpful to know your partner, even more important, to know yourself so that you understand how important sex is to you personally.

11. I am not a man, so I don’t actually know what it’s like to be rejected sexually when you are male. But in a basic attempt to explain it to women, I would describe it like this. If you’re a woman, you probably like it when your man tells you that he loves you and you like it when he gives you compliments on how you look. If that man is your boyfriend or husband, you probably know that he loves you. But you still want him to say it to you, to give you that continued assurance. Don’t you think your man wants that same assurance from you that you desire him sexually? Yes, he may know that you love him, but he still likes to experience sex with you, it means something to him, acceptance and assurance. I know it’s not an exact analogy, I’m trying to use something that women universally desire, that they want to be told they are loved and they also enjoy compliments. Men want to feel loved too, sexual release is one way in which to experience this. It is the ultimate reassurance for a man.

12. Sexual abuse for either gender can truly distort the sexual experience. If you have trauma in your past, I recommend therapy to process pain. Pleasure can be in the cards for you, but you must do the work to heal.

13. Distortion in sex can really ruin . . . sex. Pornography addiction, sexual release where it’s transactional via strip clubs or cam girls, degenerate attitudes in the world where beta males like Andrew Tate promote using women for sex, ALL these things can contribute to a warped view of sexuality that’s not healthy. It can really crimp your sex drive in real life and ruin your relationships.

14. A romantic relationship is inherently sexual. Everyone has a dry spell and sometimes it’s situational, you don’t have sex for awhile. But if you never have sex in your relationship, that romantic love is going to die. Maybe you keep your relationship going with platonic love. You can be deeply committed to making a life together and also feel real love for each other, but if that sexual component is not there, it’s not a romantic love. This is a friendship relationship, for some people, that’s what they want. But understand and define in your mind, the reality of your relationship.

15. Lust is not love. Nothing trumps the high of a brand new romance, those dizzying months of falling in love are fun. There’s a complex cocktail of hormones such as oxytocin, serotonin and testosterone in the mix. Sexual feelings are deeply tied to lust, it’s fun and necessary for sexuality. Never mistake lust alone for love, although lust as a stand alone can be very fun. The most powerful duo is lust and love combined, now that’s a damn good time.

16. Love is real and powerful. Some couples tip heavily into deep love while the lust dissipates. If both partners are on board with the changes in their family, their bodies and their desires, you are sitting pretty. It’s when one partner desires more than what the other partner wants, a compromise cannot be met, is when you start to see cracks in that relationship.

17. If you lie to yourself, that sex doesn’t matter or you do not need sex because you aren’t getting it from your partner, you are easy pickings. The next time someone pays attention to you or flatters you or wants you, you’re a sitting duck for temptation. The stakes are high. That affair will cost you an arm and a leg in divorce court, you may deeply hurt your partner and your reputation may be in shatters if you have a vengeful spouse who gossips and makes sure all your friends, family, colleagues know that you stepped out on them. Do not lie to yourself. Be honest and decide how much sex you need, what compromises you can live with and what is acceptable to you. If you lie to yourself, you have only yourself to blame when your family falls apart because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants as a man or your hands to yourself as woman, when you’re tempted. Figure it out. Know what you need. Work towards getting what you want with your partner, go to therapy if you have to. Or choose a different partner with whom you can feel both love and lust if that’s what you want. Just don’t lie, that’s no way to live.

18. Compromise is the name of the game in relationships. It’s possible you and your partner will differ over the years in what you want. Perhaps you went at it like rabbits before the wedding, but it’s zilch once the kids were born. Maybe you both put sex on the back burner as a priority. It’s OK to differ in sex drives, but you must compromise in order to keep it a romantic relationship.

19. Communication is the lynchpin. If you talk to your partner, you have a shot of making your relationship work. You can even stay together, even after one of you has an affair, if you talk it out. Ask questions, try to understand each other and talk like your relationship depends on it because it does.

20. What you want matters. You deserve too. This is important.

BOTTOM LINE

If you are in a No sex relationship this is something you must process in your own mind. Sometimes it’s easier to do that with someone in therapy. Regardless, decisions must be made, you either go on auto pilot or you choose how your life will be. It’s hard to compromise and communicate with your partner, this is work. But if you don’t do the work, you’ll end up reacting vs choosing. Sometimes those reactions have sky high stakes that end in divorce court and attorney fees when your partner finds out about your affair. Ensure your success by doing an assessment in your own mind of what you both want and need. Work towards what you need, make your own choices, live the life you WANT.

I know it’s hard.

The underlying theme in my work is always relationships, the ones we want and the ones we don’t, it’s not easy. It’s very hard work, but it’s necessary.

For the life you want, make your own choices and do the work. This is living.